I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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