so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
