Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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