I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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