We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize