I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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