You just made me feel so damn special
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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