I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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