He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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