ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
