Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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