just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
