burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
