i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
