Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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