i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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