meet me or not, i'm out of control
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
