Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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