break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
