I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
