Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
