so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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