why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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