Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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