my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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