So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
