Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
