hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
