I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
