Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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