U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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