I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
