Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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