Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
