last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
