Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize