I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
