I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
