I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
