laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
