I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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