I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
