I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also, beer. Big fan.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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