god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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