it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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