not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You made out with two different species that night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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