I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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