Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
