woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
