You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
