he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize