Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
