he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
