he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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