Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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