I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
