my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we made out on top of his cat.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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