I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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