literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
