so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
