there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
