Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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