Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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