if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
