I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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