she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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