There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We left the knife in your bed.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
