there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
