This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
