My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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